ED Recovery

Eating disorder recovery, it has always been a hard concept for most to grasp. When I was enmeshed in my sickness, my therapist told me it was possible. It took me a long time to not only believe in a full recovery, but embrace it. I've been asked many times, "How do you know when you're recovered? Is it possible to fully recover?" I've always given the textbook answer...."Recovered = no longer engaging in the behaviors." And I believe in that answer! But now I truly feel it to my core.

When I was entangled in my eating disorder, feeling emotions was not allowed. The eating disorder thrived in states of emotional chaos and misery. The eating disorder was my drug of choice. With either restriction or unhealthy exercise, I was able to not only numb myself from pain but also punish myself for not being the perfect person that I thought I wanted to be and what I thought others expected from me. It was not o.k. for me to make a mistake. I wouldn't be accepted; I'd be judged. Would anyone like me or even love me if I messed up? Would they go away?

This weekend I found myself faced with a very emotional, stressful situation in which I felt lost, sad, vulnerable and weak. That makes for very fertile ground for an eating disorder. Did the eating disorder noise surface? Yes indeed it did! Restrict, restrict, restrict...run, run, run...isolate, isolate, isolate! It was there! I hadn't heard it in a while; it's been quiet, very distant for me. And yes, in the moments of my weakness and sadness, I was tempted by it. I was beating myself up, wanting to punish myself for not being o.k., for messing up. With the very little strength that I had, I had to dig deep and connect with my healthy soul self. I was not going to allow the eating disorder to lure me back into the box of misery and sickness. Knowing that I could not do it alone, I reached out to friends, very good friends who love me unconditionally. My strength and their love was nourishment for my healthy self. I could have numbed out and isolated, that's what the eating disorder wants to have happen. But that means numbing out from life which is no longer a path I want to go down. Feeling the pain and sadness hurt to the core. But I'd rather feel than hide because that means I'm truly alive and present in my life. I'm showing up for all of it, the good and the bad!

Was it a test? No, it was life! Life is going to go on with ups and downs. But for me, it was an opportunity to not only affirm my belief in a full recovery, but live it!
So, will the textbook answer to that question be sufficient...Yes! But now with honesty and my most authentic self I will say it with more conviction. I know it to be true! I experienced it, I felt it and I survived it!
And YES, I have RECOVERED from my eating disorder!!!